I've realized as I've grown older that one of my fatal character flaws is that I'm seldom satisfied with my life at any given time. I'm famous for wishing that I was someplace else, doing something different, hearing a brand new song, and holding someone else's hand. It makes it damn hard to ever feel comfortable in my own skin. Some examples of this have been:

I had tuna salad at my desk for lunch today, and fantasized about having a beautiful lobster salad in a friendly neighborhood restaurant where I know everyone.

I always dreamed of living in Florida, and being near the beach. Once I actually moved there I quickly discovered that it was way too hot for this delicate Georgia girl, and that bugs in Florida are all super-sized and wanted a piece of me.

When I was thirty pounds heavier than I am now I absolutely yearned to be thin...now I'm very thin, and worry that I don't have a perky ass anymore.

This unsettled nature of mine has sometimes manifested itself in ways that I'm not particularly proud of, and has influenced my decisions in ways that were not always wise. I believe that if I could just convince myself that tuna tastes like lobster, that the song playing in my head is inspired, and the elusive hand that I want to hold will always reach out for me when I can finally grasp it, then I'll be at peace with myself and the planet. Wish me luck...

I had a conversation with my daughter yesterday about a crappy experience that I had with ToysRUs. I'd placed an order for Xmas stuff for my grandkids, my account had been charged for it, it had been shipped...but one important item was missing. I called the company yesterday to inquire about the missing item, and after being on hold over thirty minutes I finally had the pleasure of speaking with Nicky. The 'bottom-line' of our conversation was that the item was back-ordered, it could arrive tomorrow or next month, and if I cancelled it my account would be credited within 7-10 business days...but unfortunately she didn't have the authorization to give me a confirmation number to substantiate that our conversation had ever taken place. WHAT????

My daughter commiserated, and told me that her pet-peeves were people that didn't hold a door open when they saw her coming; (this is a woman with a double-stroller with two babies in it), people that don't hold the door open for other 'challenged-folks' like the elderly, the impaired, etc., and employees at drive-thrus that are just too darned busy to say hello, thanks for your business that's enabling me to have a paycheck, or acknowledge you in any way.

Jeez people, has our society really gotten so uncaring that the mere idea of 'quality of service', 'customer respect', and just plain old good manners have become oxymorons? If it truly has, then I strongly suggest that all parents be sent to 'Bringing Up a Civilized Child 101' immediately. I don't remember anyone telling me as a child that being polite & considerate was the way to conduct myself...I just learned it by observing others.

Okay, that's my rant for the evening. Hugs to all.

My job is about twelve miles away from where I live, but it's always dicey knowing what time to leave in the morning because the traffic is unpredictable. Some days it's bumper-to-bumper and I crawl to work, and other days I sail down the interstate at seventy miles an hour. I decided early on that the best course of action was to just leave the house at eight everyday, and then no matter what the traffic was like I'd be sure to get to work on time. The only problem with this plan is that many days I'm much earlier than I need to be, and find myself with time to kill before I have to go in to the office.

That's where the deer church comes in. There is a very old church close to where I work; (according to their sign it was founded in 1879). It has a very simple white cross on the steeple, an old cemetery beside it, and it's surrounded by woods. I started pulling into the parking lot on my 'early mornings' initially just to have a place to sit and think. There is never anyone around, and it's a very peaceful spot. The 'sitting and thinking' soon became praying...something I've done precious little of in my adult life. I've always believed in God, but in a rather abstract way. I didn't realize until I started this new morning ritual how much inner-peace and focus prayer could bring into my life. It makes me feel lighter and cleaner somehow, and it has filled a void that I didn't even know I had.

You're probably wondering why I call it the deer church? One day soon after I started my morning visits to the church I pulled into the parking lot and there were two beautiful little does standing at the treeline. They looked at me with curiousity, but didn't seem particularly frightened by my presence. I was absolutely enthralled with these lovely creatures, and sat and watched them with complete enjoyment. After a while I saw movement over near the cemetery, and a big buck came bounding out of the woods. The does were startled and ran for cover, with the buck crashing after them. Now I've always been a city-girl, so for me to get to witness this was something of a miracle and a gift from God. I like to think that it was his way of speaking back to me, and forgiving me for all of my years of silence. That's why I always think of this special place as The Deer Church.

A year of unemployed hell has taught me many things about myself and life. It's taught me that I really can go for two days and eat nothing but ramen noodles and peanut butter; (not as a combination mind you). It's taught me that the store brands are in most cases just as good as the name brands and a whole lot cheaper. It's taught me that it's pretty damn lonely sitting on your ass watching daytime t.v. while the rest of the world is out earning a paycheck. It's taught me that few things can make a person feel as absolutely worthless as not being gainfully employed...I don't recommend it.

On a happier note, I started my new property management job on Oct. 2nd, and I'm thrilled to be waking up every morning and have somewhere to go. Getting a paycheck has already allowed me to get my car fixed; (the transmission went out on it two months ago, and I didn't have the $1200.00 to get it repaired). Of equal or greater importance, getting a paycheck has given me the freedom to make choices again, instead of feeling completely trapped by my circumstances...I can breathe again, and that's a beautiful thing.